Self acceptance

He moves he’s fingers over my chest, feels my scars, feels my big scars and my small scars, he moves he’s hand slowly from my stomach to my chest area following the trail of my scar… He never asked me what happened, but instead he plants small and tiny kisses on top of the scar.

Everybody is born with a small leak between the left and right chamber of the heart which sort of closes by itself when you’re a baby, i was born with the leak as well but unlike everybody else’s heart, the leak in my heart didn’t close… It stayed open… It made my heart pump blood from one side to the other which sounds normal but in my case the oxygen blood and the non oxygen blood made my heart pump a lot to keep up with the pace, which made my body sort of switch off various functions, i couldn’t cry, i couldn’t eat, after 2 weeks doctors quickly noticed i lost weight instead of gaining it, and i lost it as a quick pace, after 5 weeks my mom went to a specialist to check out what was wrong with me, he didn’t say what it was, but instead told my mom she had to go immediately with me to a specialised clinic nearby Brussels.

The next day my parents meet a professor, 2 specialists and a child cardiologist, the verdict was in, i had a ventricular septal defect, and the only solution to fix me was to undergo surgery, open heart surgery, but i was too weak to do the operation in the near future so they kept me on the intensive care for 2 months.

There i was, a super tiny baby with lots of wires connected from all over. After 3 months they were ready to do the surgery, since my chances on surviving were still very slim the doctor only wanted to do the surgery with he’s own personalised team, 7 specialist from all over Belgium and one plastic surgeon and lots of nurses, were busy fixing me in what ended as a 9 hour long operation.

When i was a kid i knew i was different from all the other kids in my class, my whole class knew what had happened, but sometimes a bully from outside our class would make fun of me because of my scar, i’ve had people stare at it, or pointing at it, or randomly pointing and saying ‘what happened there?’.

When working as a model some photographers would photoshop away the scars, others would keep it, some would ask the make up artist to retouch it a bit, but to be honest i rather have it out there in the open, i don’t wanna hide my scar, i’m not embarrassed for it, today my scar signifies that i’m stronger than i could ever think i am, that i have my own special tattoo, one that not too many people have, i’ve learned over the years to accept myself the way i am, and i would never photoshop the scar. Because it’s such a big part of me. It made me who i am today.

So to all the people out there feeling embarrassed for a scar, or scar tissue, don’t be, it’s not worth it, a scar is simply there to tell you, that you are a very strong person that has gone through something very significant, but in the end you made it and that’s what counts… So love yourself as you are right here, right now.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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